I have known since I was 18 years old that I would require c-sections for any pregnancies in my future. Due to major abdominal and intestinal surgery related to ulcerative colitis that I underwent at that time, the risks associated with a future natural delivery just weren't worth it, and my surgeon highly recommended that a planned c-section be the route of delivery. At 18, I was a-ok with this information. At that time, the thought of pushing a baby out of my vagina was not something I was looking forward to anyway.
Fast forward 12 years and my past has caught up with my future. Pregnant for the first time, it was discussed early on that my delivery would definitely be a planned c-section. Because I had a healthy pregnancy, there was no reason to deliver the baby any earlier than necessary. My due date was February 22, 2014 which was a Saturday, so my c-section was scheduled for February 24, 2014 as my OB/GYN was on holidays until then. She was confident I wouldn't go into labour early. And if I did, the covering OB would deliver my baby.
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| {my last baby bump photo - taken the morning of my delivery} |
On the Tuesday before I was to deliver Sully, I got a bit of a frantic call from my OB's office asking me to come down right away as they wanted to switch my delivery to the next day (Wednesday)! The nurse couldn't give me any more information, just that I needed to come down to see the covering OB. I think I had a mini-panic attack, calling Jim in gasping tears before making the drive to the doctor's office. Turns out, the covering doctor wasn't comfortable with me going past my due date and wanted to deliver my baby that week. I remember begging for it not to be the next day! I wasn't ready! My mom was out of town, Jim's parent's weren't due to arrive from Florida until Thursday and I still had baby clothes to wash and put away! What strikes me as hilarious about my reaction is, had I been having a natural birth, I could have gone into labour any day, regardless if I was ready or not!
So a new delivery date was decided on: Friday, February 21, 2014. I was so upset initially about changing the delivery date from Monday to Friday, because despite the fact that I could have gone into labour at any time anyway, emotionally, I had prepared for Monday. That weekend was going to be mine and Jim's last weekend together - one last weekend to sleep in, go to the movies, finish up last minute projects, do whatever we felt like. Life is nothing if not predictable.
A planned c-section is a weird reality. We went to bed on Thursday night and had to set our alarms to make sure we were up early to get to the hospital for a 7am check-in time. I remember when the alarm went off in the morning, cracking a joke about how it was time to go have our baby and how funny it was that we had to set an alarm to do this. It was a cold, cold morning and Jim's parent's drove us to the hospital. It was almost comical to check-in at the arrival's desk and say "I'm here to have my baby!!", when you are clearly not in labour.
It felt so rushed getting ready to leave for the hospital, and I was so nervous about being late. What if they cancelled my c-section if I was late?! Or scolded us for not being on time? I hate being late to things, yet I often am. Luckily there were no big lineups of pregnant ladies waiting to have their babies. Of course, once you're there, the next three hours leading up to the delivery time passes agonizingly slow. We were admitted into a labour and delivery room where I changed into a gown and Jim was given scrubs to put on. When Jim came out of the bathroom in his scrubs, I almost peed myself laughing. They were about 3 sizes too big and looked ridiculous on him. I will forever regret not getting a photo of this. When the nurse came in, she couldn't help but laugh either and returned with a smaller set. This time, Jim came out of the bathroom and the scrub top was so small it bared his midriff! It was so tight he couldn't get it off and I was laughing too hard to be of any help. Another nurse walked in on us and had to help him get the scrub top off. Embarrassing, yes, but even more so when we realized that this wasn't the nurse helping him, this was my anaesthesiologist! We still laugh about this to this day.
My c-section was scheduled for 10 am and we spent the time leading up to it in the labour and delivery room where they started my IV and gave me fluids. I opted to have the catheter inserted once I was frozen. Luckily, no emergency c-sections came up and at ten a.m. on the dot they walked me to the OR which was just across the hall. Jim had to wait outside until I was settled on the OR table.
I was so calm up until this point, thinking it was no big deal, I was just going to go into this room and have my baby. But I'd be lying if I said flashbacks from being wheeled away from my family to the OR for my abdominal surgeries 12 years ago didn't come rushing back to me. As soon as the nurse had me sit on the side of the OR table and lean over with a pillow braced against my abdomen, the tears started flowing. I was so overwhelmed with all the emotions running through me. The nurses were so kind, asking me constantly if I was ok and all I could do was choke out a "yes" between the crying. My anaesthesiologist was amazing and had my epidural in quickly and painlessly.
Once that was over, they had me lay down flat on the cold, metal table and I started shivering uncontrollably. Both from anxiety and the cool air. This was it. My baby had been cooked for long enough and was ready to enter the world. The tarp blocking my view of the surgery went up and at this point Jim joined me at my head. My teeth were chattering and I was shaking so badly that the nurses had to cover my upper body with heated blankets. Tears never stopped streaming down my face.
The surgery itself was literally pain free, but the pressure I could feel is something I will never forget. It was like someone had straddled my chest and was doing chest compressions on me with their entire body. And even though I was lying flat and still on the table, the freezing made my lower body feel like it was swinging side to side. It is such a weird and difficult experience to describe - mentally you are present during the labour, but physically your body has checked out. It truly was an out of body experience.
It seems like the pressure is never going to let up and then all of a sudden you hear your baby let out it's first cry, the doctor holds him up high so you can take your first quick look at him, but then your husband is gone and you're told you have a son and you're just left there alone, crying, waiting for someone to return to your head. And they do, both of them, your amazing husband and your beautiful baby boy. And now you are crying even harder.
While the doctors stitched me back up, Jim stayed by Sully's side while he was checked over and the next thing I remember is being in the recovery room. And I still couldn't feel my body, and tears were still silently streaming down my face, but now, I'm not just me, I'm a mom. A mom! My baby is against my chest and I can't believe this is my life. It still, to this day, blows my mind how one day your baby is inside of you and the next he is on the outside. How your life changes suddenly and drastically in such a short amount of time whether you feel ready for it or not.
I'm not sure how long we spent in the recovery room, but eventually we were wheeled up to my room where my mom and Jim's parent's were waiting for us. Throughout the rest of the day, more friends and family visited as we all fell further and further in love with our perfect little baby. It was the longest day of my life, and one I will never, ever forget.
Sometimes people ask me if I feel left out that I didn't get to experience contractions or labour, and others even express they feel bad that I won't ever have a natural birth. For me, this was always the plan so I've never felt an ounce of disappointment or regret. I'm just so very thankful that I was even able to get pregnant in the first place. Pregnancy and giving birth is so much more than labour pains. At the end of the day, all anyone wants is a healthy baby and a healthy momma. I was able to achieve both of those thanks to modern medicine, and for that I will be forever grateful.
Sullivan Michael Fraser, I love you so much and your day of birth will absolutely, one hundred percent, be the most life-changing and wonderful day of my life.
