April 29, 2015

My Love/Hate Relationship with Breastfeeding

Last week, I hit my breaking point with breastfeeding. Or at least, in the moment, I had. (A week later, and we're still nursing). But last week, Sully was having a particularly cranky day and seemed extra needy and boob-demanding. And then he started biting me. I was so upset, so insulted, so hurt (physically and emotionally), that I swore I was done nursing right then and there. I called my mom in tears and she rushed over.

I needed to vent and I needed a shoulder to cry on. I wasn't really ready to be done nursing, but at the same time, the thought of being free from it was a little bit exciting. But then there was also the guilt. Oh the guilt. I didn't want our nursing journey to end just because I had "had enough". Ultimately, I want Sully to be the one to make the call.



I know breastfeeding is such an individual experience, but for me, I wanted to succeed, and I'm so proud that we've made it this far. When I started out on my breastfeeding journey, I had no goal in mind. All I knew was that I was going to breastfeed and I was going to do whatever it took to make it work. I made mini-goals as I went along, the first goal being to make it to six months. If we could make it to six months with just nursing, I would be more than satisfied.

When we hit six months, we were still nursing strong, so I aimed for nine months. Nine months came, and Sully showed no signs of weening, so I kept going, hoping at that point that we could hit the one year milestone. And from there, I told myself and my husband that I would just follow Sully's cues. If he wanted to keep nursing, we would, and if he was done with it, then I would forever be thankful that we got a full year in. 

Here we are at 14 months, and most days, I still nurse Sully three to four times a day. And most days, I love it, but some days I hate it. 

I have a love/hate relationship with nursing.


I love that I've been able to nourish my baby for the first year of his life with my own body.
I hate that there are people who judge moms for extended breastfeeding and that I have let their judgement get to me.

I love when my baby's eyes roll in the back of his head and he becomes sleepy from nursing.
I hate when he bites me.

I love the extra time in bed in the morning, where we cuddle and side nurse.
I hate having to lay on my one arm. 

I love that nursing is just easy, especially in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning.
I hate that my husband can't just get up and nurse my son in my place some days.

I love that I can comfort my son when he's hurt, or after immunizations, or when he's not feeling well, or when he's just having a meltdown.
I hate that my husband can't offer him this same immediate sense of comfort.

I love when my son's hand caresses the top of my chest while nursing.
I hate when I have forgotten to cut his nails and he leaves scratch marks all over my chest instead.

I love when my son is getting tired and he slips his hand down the front of my shirt ever so gently.
I hate when he takes it too far and pinches my nipple.

I love nursing tanks and nursing bras that make breastfeeding so much easier.
I hate that I still have to wear a nursing bra.

I love that breastfeeding is said to burn extra calories every day.
I hate that it just increases my appetite at the same time.


Obviously I'm using the word hate here very loosely. I wouldn't change our breastfeeding journey for anything. But that doesn't mean that some days aren't hard, or that there aren't moments where I wish we were done breastfeeding altogether. It's a complicated relationship, but one that I know has an inevitable end date. So for now, we trudge on, and I'm choosing to cherish each nursing session because I know it will be a sad day, bittersweet at the least, when my son refuses to nurse.

It would be fair to address my upcoming trip here, as it's very likely that such a long absence may ween Sully completely. This was a decision I didn't make lightly, but seeing as Sully is now 14 months old, I've come to terms with this. I do plan to keep up my supply while I'm gone by pumping, and when I return, should he want to continue to nurse, I will be ready. 




15 comments:

  1. Good for you to still be going strong with it! It was not till after I finished breastfeeding I realized how lucky we were, we had virtually no issues and went strong for close to 11 months. Avery was an aggressive nurser though so I was more than ready to be done. I started to wean around 10.5 months thinking it would take a bit, but she weaned in days! And she never once asked or looked to nurse again. Phew. I was much more happy that she made the choice since going back to work I would not be nursing at all. She also loved her food so I think that helped!

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    1. Thank you! I think things would be a lot different had I gone back to work too. We would have had no choice but to ween, at least day time feeds. When Sully really developed an appetite for solids, and became such a BUSY baby, I thought for sure he would self-ween. But nope!! He's a boob man! Haha ;)

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  2. Love this post. Before Wes was born, I was totally grossed out by the idea of breastfeeding, but now I think it's so awesome that he is growing because of me and me alone! Not sure how long I (or he!) will last, but we'll see!

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    1. It really is amazing, isn't it?! It's crazy to think that our milk is that powerful to grow and nourish a baby for at least the first few months of his/her life. Personally, I think any breastfeeding you can get in, whether it be a few weeks or a few months is fantastic and will still benefit your baby even if your journey doesn't last as long as ours :)

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  3. Wow, 14 months is impressive! I can totally understand why some days you would just want to quit. And if you do, you made it a long ways and have nothing to be ashamed or upset about.

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    1. You're right, I should be proud of 14 months, and I am. I think sometimes I just feel the guilt to keep going as long as he wants to since it's not like I'm at work during the day and CAN'T nurse him.

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  4. You're doing amazing! I think we weened at about 10 months and that was pretty much the kid's decision. He just didn't want it anymore. But I do love all your loves ... especially when he would fall asleep eating. Or when he'd explore my face and just look into my eyes when feeding. OR when he'd get all smiley when eating and I'd get those adorable gummy smiles. I miss it, but am glad to be over with it ... Let's see how it goes with #2! lol

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    1. I thought for sure Sully was going to self-ween around 9/10 months because that's when he really started to develop an appetite for solids and also became a really BUSY baby (i.e.. no time for nursing). But clearly I was wrong! Yay for baby #2 coming! Are you finding out what you are having this time?

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  5. Your doing so amazing! I knew I wanted to breast feed and do whatever possible to make it work. I love that your are still going strong after a year, and your allowing Sullivan to guide the process :) it's such a great way to bond with your baby and even though it isn't always easy or pain free, you've made it work and I find that so inspiring for my own breast feeding journey.

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    1. Thanks, Amie :) The first few months of breastfeeding was so tough and I could see how easy it would be to give up, and now that we've come this far, I'm so glad we persevered. Good luck with your breastfeeding journey! I think you have the perfect frame of mind :)

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  6. You are doing a great job! My goal was to make it to 6 months and then 9 and we made it 10.5 months and Noah was done and down to nursing for less than 3 minutes twice a day. I was sad about it, but happy at the same time. You will know when it is time!

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    1. I think I just never expected it to last this long, almost everyone I know's baby self-weened before a year. But I'm glad we've made it this far! And I'm sure I will feel just like you - happy but also sad.

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  7. I'm bit every once in a great while, and I've followed all the advice online about firmly saying no, stopping the session, etc... and Sawyer just grins at me. This is not a good sign for future discipline ;)

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  8. Way to go, you made it so far which is really great! I guess I have a lot of these love/hate things to look forward to!

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  9. Good for you. Such an awesome post. I was SO nervous about nursing but thankfully D was a pro and we had really no issues. We went until she was 13m and the biting I think deterred us both and she weaned herself.

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